I don't update this blog often enough, and I am feeling quite sheepish about that. I want to start this blog by adding a large trigger warning at the beginning, about depression and suicide. I also want to apologise to anyone who is reading this with fresh eyes. I am nothing put honest, and there will be things here that I haven't discussed with many people. There's a reason for that and that comes from stigma. This is a sensitive issue and I will try to address it as best I can. I will add, that this is a personal experience side note, and negative comments will be simply ignored. Remember, you're not entitled to your opinion, you're entitled to your informed opinion. You're not entitled to be ignorant.

Since the news broke on Monday that Robin Williams had passed away, I felt eyes boring into me as to why I have said very little. It's common knowledge amongst those closet to me that I suffer with mental illness. I have been showing signs of depression since age 12 according to my doctors, and that has led me into deeper issues as I've grown up. I have also experienced suicide as an outsider, with family and close friends over the years. Today though, I want to address this on a personal level, for no other reason than to be completely honest and open about my feelings of recent events.

I think we can all agree that death of a loved one is a sad affair. However when that person choses to end their life by their own hand the sadness vanishes and a red mist seems to spray down upon people everywhere. Suicide is often seen as a selfish and unforgiving act, and in my own experience, one that many just won't tolerate.

What a lot of people won't recognise however, is that it can come in many forms. Self hatred is something I am all too familiar with. Despite my ice cold bitch exterior, I am inside a very complicated and broken person. I wake each day totally unsure of how I will feel. Thankfully I have yet to experience the dark feelings that have led me to two attempts on my life, but they could appear if they wanted to. Not many people know I have tried to delete myself from existence. I am very lucky that I have had people watching me so closely during those times that they have been there and helped me through it. But what about those who don't have that? What if someone is so depressed they tell no one?

Only close and relevant people knew the risk I was to myself, and that's exactly what I was, a risk to myself. I am incredibly lucky that even as I've stood on the edge of the dark cliff, there's been people at the bottom holding out a duvet ready to catch me. One person who saved me may not even realise they did. Despite being called an 'attention seeker' for voicing certain emotional pain, I have never alluded to the fact I didn't want to be alive at that time. There are many reasons. I have encountered them all.

I don't want to put anyone under the illusion that suicide is a romantic choice either. That somehow you will become part of the stars and your legacy will live on. I can tell you, from being sat in that place, that all I could think about was how much I loved my family and my friends. How dreadful I was for feeling the way I did. Why couldn't I just be happy? The simple answer, I was deeply unwell.

It has taken some years now to finally find something that can and will help me. Therapy is another treatment I haven't been too open about over the years but I have received many forms. I am due to start a new course next month in fact, because whilst those feelings have gone, housekeeping of the brain still needs to happen. It's still a concern that it could happen again, despite me being in a good place.

Suicide and self harm come in so many forms that Robin Williams, like myself and many others, were already killing themselves before they made the decision infinite. If this post serves as anything, please, let it be that you show more understanding to those around you. That you do not seek to question why. You seek to ask how you can help. How you can make things better. If you're feeling alone, speak to someone. Don't let anyone make you feel like you're wrong for feeling the way you do.

I shall close this post now with some hopefully helpful pieces of information for anyone who needs someone to speak to or to find services in the area. I will also add that if you have any concerns for an adults safety, to call your local social services and in extreme cases, 999. If you are feeling depressed, my best advice to you is, go to your friends, family, doctor, and seek help.

I will update this again when more words come to me, as I'm sure you can appreciate this post is a little difficult but something I needed to get out of my system.

Useful information.

http://www.samaritans.org/

http://www.mind.org.uk/

http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/depression-recognizing-signs-of-suicide

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Suicide/Pages/Getting-help.aspx