A few days ago I posted out to Twitter asking for advice and experiences of anyone suffering from FMS, CFS or ME, or any other similar condition to get in touch regarding exercise regimes. I was extremely pleased with the response, but I am still searching and looking for advice to find the right regime for me, but also to offer this information to other sufferers.

To understand why I'm asking, I'm going to tell you a little about me and my condition. I am 26 years old and was diagnosed with fibromyalgia last year after 18 months of tests, excuses and medications from my doctors. I already have raynauds phenomenon, so I was already, luckily, under a specialist. His reaction though was to give me yet more drugs and send me on my way. I was given a physio appointment, however the hospital is a good 30 minutes drive away and having had physio locally before I didn't think it'd be wise or safe for me to travel so far to be in possible pain on the drive home, never mind on the way there.

Since then I have been on a variety of medication, none of which have made me feel any better. Pain killers work to a degree, although I try not to over use them as I've heard of sufferers who have and now have to take stronger medications to help. I am extremely sensitive to medication so much so, I saw Scooby Doo in my bed when they tried to give me tramadol as a replacement for co codamol. Needless to say, I gave that one up and decided to see what is out there that's more natural.

Before my diagnosis I was a bit of a health freak. I ate what I wanted, but exercised everyday. I walked 3 miles on the school run, and would do up to an hour of exercises sometimes three times a week. I was very fit, but I ended up in a&e on numerous occasions because I'd experience pain in my muscles or joints, sometimes causing me to limp or cutting out all feeling all together. Once I was diagnosed I was advised to take it easy and wait until I had seen my physiotherapist. I did move my physio to a local company near by, but there only real option to me was acupuncture which if I'm honest, I really wasn't up to. I struggle with feeling trapped in a place and the nausea of my condition mixed in with a nice level of anxiety that has come since because of judgemental people and lack of social interaction restricts me to my home most of the time.

With all this in mind, I am now trying to find a way to exercise, preferably within my home, although if there is something out there that may be able to cater to my "issues" that would be great too, that would help with the pain and fatigue of my condition. I already do a gentle daily exercise of 10 minutes on an exercise bike, and this has helped the pain a lot. I want to see what other options and avenues there are out there that have helped others, and be able to share them with other sufferers who have similar conditions and want to try this route too.

I'll also add, if anyone has any advice on food/diets or supplements that they use, that would also be helpful. I am struggling with the chocolate beast most days!

If you want to share your experience with me, you can comment on this blog, find me on Twitter at @nonamirana or email me at nonamirana@gmail.com. Many thanks and I shall look forward to hearing what regimes you have that have helped you. :) (Also feel free to send cat pictures...)

Recently there have been talks about civil partnerships being offered to hetrosexual couples, and there are people opposed to the view. Marriage has long been an oath made under the eyes of a deity. To remain commited and true to one person. These views though are also shared with those who aren't of faith.

I am speaking on behalf of myself here, but I for one support this decision. Love shouldn't be exclusive to those who are hetrosexual or to those who have faith, If I want to marry, I want to have the choice to be an equal to my male or female partner, I want to have the choice to be able to express my love for another person, and show my commitment in any which way I chose.

My sexuality in this is irrelevant. I have a male partner, but I'm not with him because of this. I'm with him because I love him. His moral fibre and ethics are what attract me to him. I would support him if he wanted to change to a female. I'd still love him if he were a female. Gender to me is a tick box on a birth certificate. It plays no part in my decision to be with someone, and I'm fed up of being told what I can and can't do as someone who loves and shows commitment to another.

It's about time we were taken as people, that politics and morals were brought up to date to suit the times. Society appears to move faster than those in parliament. Stop holding us back. There is such a thing as honour and respect outside of faith. I'm not asking for the downfall of democracy. I understand why it exists and agree we need it. When it comes to love though, you shouldn't stop it. When so many are criticised for not standing by their responsibilities, there should be some support and praise for those who have and do.

So it's been, well I'm not sure how long it's been since my last post. I want to start this blog though by saying thank you so much to those who have read it. I can see each and every one of you and it means so much to know that someone, somewhere, is hearing me and listening. I also want to thank everyone who has sent me a cat related link or picture. I am beside myself with this small gift of kindness shown by friends and new friends. So thank you so much. I've had a few people delete me from certain social networking sites, but believe me when I say. I don't care. Some people say that and they do care, I don't. I don't need that kind of negativity around me. It doesn't aid me in getting better.

Since my last post, a few things have changed. I see my mental health worker next Tuesday for the first time. I'm looking forward to it, it's a scary thing but in some ways I'm relieved I may now get some help and find out what it is that has slowed me down recently. I have had my appeal letter accepted by the dwp too, which was a small victory for me, but again is just the start. I'm trying to remain positive.

I've become actively involved with a few web sites and pages to offer advice with what to do with regard to benefits etc, that's keeping my brain active. Although I have had a few days where the mist has descended over my brain and it's been like I've had a lobotomy.

Today, I come to you whilst in a lot of pain. I have OCD, and decided to clean my house like a mad woman yesterday. It's meant today my legs haven't felt like my own, and had I of let them, they'd have happily dropped off and fell to the floor like ribbons.

Things are looking up though, and I'm trying to keep that mentality. It can be difficult, especially on those days when I can't get my socks on or stand to cook myself a meal, (I have steak tonight. It was on offer. I'm sitting down to prep everything. Not missing out on the steak.) but I've learnt to laugh at those times. I'm even looking at putting them into a comic strip form and publishing them via the internet. (Anyone who fancies drawing for me, I have one idea already, I can easily script it ;) )

So I leave this post, on a positive note. :) I'm sorry if it seems like I'm rambling again. I love talking and my fingers can't type as quickly as my brain can put them together. (I've had to read this 6 times already to make sure I've written it correctly. ha!) Until next time readers. Stay erm.... I need to work on this tag line. :)

Letter to my friends.

Dear Friends,

So for a long time, I kept you in the dark. I want to firstly apologise for that. I haven't meant to. A few of you know snippets and I've been rejected for it. It made it easier to say nothing and not risk rejection. But I understand it, and so will you by the time I've finished this.

For the last two years I've been in and out of hospitals having stuff injected into me and xrayed, blood tests, physical tests, ultra sounds, and nothing really showed up as being wrong. (Bar the exception of a water infection due to kidney stones.) September last year I went to see my specialist, and after months of being told "nothing is wrong" "you're just not used to working so hard" I was told I had fibromyalgia. "Didn't you know?" was the response I got from my so called "specialist". I was handed a booklet, some pills, a letter for physio and sent on my way. It's now March, and I am in worse shape.

I can't decide if it's with finally knowing I have something wrong and it wasn't all in my head, or if it's the fact I've since been prodded, poked, and pumped with drugs to try and make me feel "normal". Which ever one it is, I am not the person you all knew before, and if anything, I write this to serve as a warning.

I struggle some days putting my socks on. Just digest that for a moment. Remember I'm 26 years old, and ask yourself if you think that that revelation would have an affect on you.

My mental health (which as some of you may be aware hasn't always been great, but half of you don't know the half of it.) has suffered greatly. I am now agoraphobic. I know right? I still leave the house. I didn't think they did either. But apparently you can be agoraphobic and still be able to leave the house. I won't go into town past a certain hour. I also won't go to a place I'm unfamiliar with or will be busy. So please don't be offended if I won't visit your new home. I'm not being rude. It is just that I can't mentally handle it. I panic and have had to call an ambulance on my state when I've become too scared to step out my front door.

I also now struggle with walking and driving long distance. The driving comes as a consequence of the not being able to leave the house but the walking is the fibromyalgia. It makes me incredibly sad. I used to act and dance, now if I get carried away in music I am either sick or in pain and tired.

I know you're all wondering why I'm writing this. I expect and accept those that will see it as "Oh just Kerri attention seeking again", but believe me, I could have and should have grabbed your attention before. If I would say anything to anyone who has mental issues and you know about it, don't ignore it or pass it off. Some people genuinely need help. I however have gone beyond needing help from my friends, and some of that is because I have needed my friends in the first place.

I understand though, why some have backed off. Why I call and text and hear nothing. It's hard to imagine someone who you were close to suddenly becoming ill and now not really being able to do what they used to. I also get, that not everyone really wants someone who needs regular breaks, pain medication and a comfortable setting is the most desirable person to be around. I don't go to clubs anymore, I can't go bowling anymore because I can't risk two days in bed from picking up and bending to roll a ball. My flare ups are unpredictable, so even if you did arrange with me and everything was in place for me to be safe and happy and settled, there is no knowing if I could attend. I have a terrible memory too, I found a television remote in my fridge the other day. (I haven't admitted this because it was embarrassing to say I put it there.) Despite all of this though, please, don't treat me any differently.

I need my friends. I need to see them. Talk to them. Be included. Even if in reality, I couldn't go, I need to get some normality. To get better, I need normality. Understanding. For someone to call me and say "Hey Kerri, how are you? Did you see Eastenders last night?" Just so I can answer "HELL YES! WTF IS KAT WEARING?!".
This isn't to say that I don't have friends, I have some incredible friends, who have been there for me and yet still no nothing of my troubles and possibly find me rude. I'm sorry. To those who are still around, I love you very much, I mean that. I just want to have my life back. I miss my friends. I miss myself. I miss you.

All my love
Kerri. xxx

Today has flown by, it was a day of going back to a solid routine with time limits to stick by. I'm not very good with those. This is mainly due to the fact that I need sleep, but also proper wake up time, to allow meds or on most days my brain to kick in so I can get by that day.

I finally also got to see my doctor today. I finally have something for my feet which should help the healing process. I also have enough painkillers to see me through for a short time. At least till all my money situation is sorted.

I've always tried to be independent but admittedly it's difficult when I'm desperately needing support or help. Filling in forms has begun to be a major problem for me, I get confused, unsure and I've even found myself paranoid since my ATOS assessment. I'm worried someone is following me. Watching me. Waiting to see if I start doing handstands at my front door. I can tell you now I won't. I haven't ever been able to truly pull off a handstand, and I stand little to no chance of doing it now.

 I still can't help but feel my space has been invaded. There is nothing more humiliating than asking if your prescriptions will still be free either. I feel like I'm scrounging. It's soul destroying. But I need my medications, and seeing as I have very little in the way of money, I had to at least ask. I can get them refunded, whether I do or not is yet to be seen. Not to save face, but because it's embarrassing. I shouldn't have to ask at all. But thanks to DWP, I have had to, and as such I am now worse off all round.

Tomorrow is another day though. I have sent off my appeal letter and a medical certificate from my gp. He is now refusing to give me anymore medication until I've been assessed by a mental health team because he feels it's going round in circles and not helping me at all. Which is a positive thing because it's what I've been telling them for months. So tomorrow I am going to attempt to clean my house, watch a movie and just dip into my "Kerri Cheer up care plan". It mostly involves films and cleaning and music. One day I shall share it with you. On a day when I have more spoons. :)

I haven't written a blog in a number of years. Mainly because whenever I wrote a blog, I wrote because of my mental illness. There used to be a lot of posts here. They were all from a girl I barely recognise, but she is back for a visit. Out of probable embarrassment I have deleted said blogs. However the haunting realisation I still have issues remains.

I'm now 26 years old and a lone parent to a 6 year old. I was officially disagnosed with fibromyalgia last year after many hospital trips with pain, I previously suffered with sciatica, and thus far, still do. I have found my mental and physical health have suffered and after signing onto esa and going through the relevant medical assessments I've been deemed fit to work.

There's a reason why this is a ridiculous ruling, and that is that I suffer from anxiety due to my condition. I have got to the point where I don't leave my house unless it is necessary. I have found myself fixated with falling ill and I hate social situations because people generally don't understand my illness. Some days I limp from pain, others I sob.

This brings me to today, and I apologise if this blog doesn't make a lot of sense but I write it in a state of distress. I need to see a doctor. I need to get a medical certificate and send it back to the dwp. However I didn't sleep well last night and as a result I am bringing this to you from my bed. I've no idea what to do or where to turn. I feel a drain on those who love me and it pains me to say it but I wish I could disappear. It hurts to feel that way because I know I have people who love me. I need medication, I need one of my feet looking at, I need help. I am still waiting. Please someone help me.