Letter to my friends.

Dear Friends,

So for a long time, I kept you in the dark. I want to firstly apologise for that. I haven't meant to. A few of you know snippets and I've been rejected for it. It made it easier to say nothing and not risk rejection. But I understand it, and so will you by the time I've finished this.

For the last two years I've been in and out of hospitals having stuff injected into me and xrayed, blood tests, physical tests, ultra sounds, and nothing really showed up as being wrong. (Bar the exception of a water infection due to kidney stones.) September last year I went to see my specialist, and after months of being told "nothing is wrong" "you're just not used to working so hard" I was told I had fibromyalgia. "Didn't you know?" was the response I got from my so called "specialist". I was handed a booklet, some pills, a letter for physio and sent on my way. It's now March, and I am in worse shape.

I can't decide if it's with finally knowing I have something wrong and it wasn't all in my head, or if it's the fact I've since been prodded, poked, and pumped with drugs to try and make me feel "normal". Which ever one it is, I am not the person you all knew before, and if anything, I write this to serve as a warning.

I struggle some days putting my socks on. Just digest that for a moment. Remember I'm 26 years old, and ask yourself if you think that that revelation would have an affect on you.

My mental health (which as some of you may be aware hasn't always been great, but half of you don't know the half of it.) has suffered greatly. I am now agoraphobic. I know right? I still leave the house. I didn't think they did either. But apparently you can be agoraphobic and still be able to leave the house. I won't go into town past a certain hour. I also won't go to a place I'm unfamiliar with or will be busy. So please don't be offended if I won't visit your new home. I'm not being rude. It is just that I can't mentally handle it. I panic and have had to call an ambulance on my state when I've become too scared to step out my front door.

I also now struggle with walking and driving long distance. The driving comes as a consequence of the not being able to leave the house but the walking is the fibromyalgia. It makes me incredibly sad. I used to act and dance, now if I get carried away in music I am either sick or in pain and tired.

I know you're all wondering why I'm writing this. I expect and accept those that will see it as "Oh just Kerri attention seeking again", but believe me, I could have and should have grabbed your attention before. If I would say anything to anyone who has mental issues and you know about it, don't ignore it or pass it off. Some people genuinely need help. I however have gone beyond needing help from my friends, and some of that is because I have needed my friends in the first place.

I understand though, why some have backed off. Why I call and text and hear nothing. It's hard to imagine someone who you were close to suddenly becoming ill and now not really being able to do what they used to. I also get, that not everyone really wants someone who needs regular breaks, pain medication and a comfortable setting is the most desirable person to be around. I don't go to clubs anymore, I can't go bowling anymore because I can't risk two days in bed from picking up and bending to roll a ball. My flare ups are unpredictable, so even if you did arrange with me and everything was in place for me to be safe and happy and settled, there is no knowing if I could attend. I have a terrible memory too, I found a television remote in my fridge the other day. (I haven't admitted this because it was embarrassing to say I put it there.) Despite all of this though, please, don't treat me any differently.

I need my friends. I need to see them. Talk to them. Be included. Even if in reality, I couldn't go, I need to get some normality. To get better, I need normality. Understanding. For someone to call me and say "Hey Kerri, how are you? Did you see Eastenders last night?" Just so I can answer "HELL YES! WTF IS KAT WEARING?!".
This isn't to say that I don't have friends, I have some incredible friends, who have been there for me and yet still no nothing of my troubles and possibly find me rude. I'm sorry. To those who are still around, I love you very much, I mean that. I just want to have my life back. I miss my friends. I miss myself. I miss you.

All my love
Kerri. xxx